Accidentally on Purpose
by sdavis2k9
Summary: Humorous story of E meets B and all that goes along with it. Lots of language and very frank, more funny moments then drama.
1. Chapter 1 Meet Cute

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, I am just making the characters say bad words and do funny things.

This is my first truly solo story, for those who have read my previous ones, Newport Living is not abandoned. I sent the last chapter to Dani and have not gotten it back in months.

This story has been sitting written down in a notebook for almost 2 years so I thought I would take the time to post it and see if anyone else enjoyed it. I am going to try and post a chapter every 2 to 3 weeks.

Beep. Beep! BEEP!

I smacked in the general vicinity of the horrible offensive noise. I never really slept much or very well, but it seemed anytime I had to have an alarm wake me up, it always soured my day.

I was trying to adjust my sleep schedule so I could get used to my new sleep schedule. I was coming off working nights and frankly glad to be done with that phase of the process of editing my book, but now had to get used to being awake during the day.

I got up a little less steady on my feet then I wanted to be, but I managed to grab some shorts off my dresser and stumble out of my room aimed towards the bathroom. My hair looked a mess when I got a glance of myself in the mirror while trying to brush my teeth. I tried to get it under control with my fingers and some water but gave up on the lost cause and continued brushing my teeth.

Once I completed my morning routine I grabbed my wallet and keys and threw on a hoodie on my way out of the apartment. If I was up at this ungodly hour, I wanted a bagel and coffee and figured I would get Al, Jas and Van something while I was out.

I headed left at the door to our apartment complex and headed to Ben's Bagels. I start thinking of something I can take Van out and do today that would give Al and Jas a break, since I know they could use a break, but I couldn't think of anything that just stood out as an awesome idea, but I had a few I would run by his parents when I got back.

As I approached the door to Ben's Bagels I saw a girl struggling to adjust her purchase and open the door to exit so I dashed towards the door to open it and hold it for her.

"Thanks" she mumbled around the bagel she had put in her mouth.

"Welcome" I replied with a smile as she completed her exit and I made my entrance.

"Hey Ben, how is it going this morning?" I asked when I saw he was the one behind the counter today.

"Good Edward, I haven't seen you this early in a months, what can I get you?" Ben asked casually.

"Can I get three large coffees, two dozen doughnut bites, and a whole wheat everything bagel?" I ordered in an odd asking sort of voice.

"Sorry buddy but I just sold the last whole wheat everything bagel to the girl who just left. I have another batch of whole wheat coming out soon, care to wait about eight minutes?" Ben asked while checking his watch.

"Sure no problem and to think I held the door open and let her escape with what could have been bagel." I added jokingly as I took a seat nearby and started picking through a newspaper that had been left there.

I hated reading about the news, it was the same stories retold nearly almost every day with very little new information added. I skipped through to the entertainment section, trying to find something to do with Van for the day and I saw that the Majestic downtown was showing all three Toy Story movies in a marathon all day. That has promise since those were like Van's favorite movies and while he had them all at home, going out to the theatre to see them would be really awesome.

I did not really like the Toy Story movies, I preferred the typically action flick, but for some cartoon kid movies, they were good so I would not be bored to death. I figured I would bring the idea up to Al and Jas once I was back home and see what they thought. They always could use some time alone, given it was a toss-up if they would take a nap or have kinky monkey sex all over the apartment, but how they chose to spend their time was their business. I was hoping to possibly get Alice to do my laundry. Don't get me wrong it wasn't a sexist thing. I could do my own laundry because I wasn't useless, but Alice always had this voodoo laundry magic, she could get my clothes cleaner than any dry cleaners and the way my sheets felt after she washed them was just magical.

"Here you go Edward" Ben said while placing a bag and a holder for my three coffees on the counter, breaking my train of thought. "I threw in an extra dozen of the doughnut bites, you know for your wait." He added quickly and then returned to the back.

'Thank you" I replied and then added enough to the little tip jar out front to cover the extra items. I know I didn't need to but Ben didn't need to do what he did either, so it balanced out.

I left the shop and heading back towards the apartment. Since I was motivated by the smell of coffee and the promise of bagel to expedite my return trip and soon found myself unlocking the bedroom door.

"Edward!" Van shrieked but did not move from in front of the television, too engrossed in his Saturday morning cartoons to give me his full attention.

I walked in the kitchen where I saw a scary sight. Alice was rummaging in the cabinets, looking for the coffee to wake her up. She looked a hot mess, her hair all over the place and she was wearing baggy sweats and a stained t-shirt.

"Good morning sweetie. I went and got us coffee and breakfast." I said in my best mock impression of a 50's sitcom husband returning with the bacon, well doughnut bites but the metaphor holds.

"Coffee. Please." Alice replied as she grabbed one of the cups off the carrier and started making it the way she likes.

"Rough night?" I asked setting down the remaining bounty and started putting some of the doughnut bites on a plate and setting it in front of Van's seat at the bar, while I went to the fridge to get him some apple juice.

"Van came in and got in bed with us in the middle of the night because he had a nightmare. Between him using my spleen like a trampoline and Jasper's snoring I didn't get much sleep last night." Alice explained and took a huge gulp of her coffee.

I saw her droopy eyes immediately start to pick up once the caffeine entered her system. Now that her brain seemed to be going better, I figured now was the time to barter with her.

"I was thinking maybe of taking Van to the movies. The Majestic is having a Toy Story movie marathon, that is if you didn't have any plans and maybe wanted to see if we could work out a deal?" I was trying to enter negotiations.

"Oh my god Edward, that would be wonderful and if you do that I will totally do your laundry while you is out. I can get this place cleaned up and maybe even a nap before you guy return." Alice replied figuring out the running time to all three movies and intermission between each one so we would be gone almost all day.

"It doesn't start until later, so I will grab him after basketball if you have him ready, but of course you have to ask him." I said not wanting to take the little guy if he didn't want to go, but I figured he would.

"Van, can you come in here please." Alice said towards the living room where he was still engrossed in his cartoons.

Van came in the kitchen later and sat down at the bar. Alice put a place with some of the doughnut bites in front of him and some juice.

"Yay doughnut bites." Van exclaimed and dug into his breakfast.

"Edward wanted to go to a Toy Story movie marathon, and wanted to know if you wanted to go with him?" Alice asked slyly.

"What are you going to do mommy?" Van asked, clearly weighing his options about his choices for activities today.

"Oh no much sweetie, I was going to do some cleaning and laundry then maybe cooks dinner. I know you love spaghetti, so I figured I would make that for you. I mean you can by Mommy's Helper and do some dusting, vacuuming and help folding towels or you can go with Edward to the movies." Alice explained, being completely impartial clearly in the choice she wanted him to make.

"Movies" all was all Van answered and went back to his sugary breakfast.

Alice always seems to usually get her way even with her own kid, which I found an interesting parental tactic.

"Okay buddy but first I have to school your dad and Uncle Emmett in basketball. Why don't you do me a favor and go wake your dad up so we can get going." I said suggesting some mischief to Van.

Van's eyes seemed to light up just like Alice's and he hopped down and took off towards his parents' bedroom. It was silent for a minute and then I heard a loud groan from Jasper.

"If he breaks my husband, you have to find me another one." Alice said dryly while starting to clean up the kitchen.

"There is always Emmett." I said.

"Never, not ever, even if you boiled him in bleach twice a day for a month. That manwhore has surely got some funk that will never come off." Alice replied as she threw a dirty dish towel at me.

I headed to my room and started getting ready for basketball. It was basically just changing from one pair of shorts into another, but I couldn't play basketball in cargo shorts that was just wrong.

"Hurray up so we can get this over with." Jasper said as he knocked at my door.

Clearly we was not happy with the wakeup call I had arranged for him today.

-=[ 0.o ]=-

"You are getting better, you didn't look like a completely uncoordinated douche this time." Emmett said tossing me a water.

"Thanks." I replied.

"So Edward when you going to start dating again? Al and I would like to double date with you sometime." Jasper asked before downing most of his bottle of water.

"I don't know Jas, my book finally sold so I just finished working on some edits for it and now of course they want to start on another one." I answered while standing up beside the bench and stretching.

"Why don't you ever offer to hook me up with any of Alice's friends Jas?" Emmett replied.

"Oh hell no. I actually like Al's friends I would never subject them to you and your debauchery you asshat." Jasper said.

"My debauchery? I will have you know that what my special lady friends and I do in private and sometimes semi-public places are sacred and beautiful acts, besides your mom didn't mind last night." Emmett laughed and smartly jumped back out of Jasper's reach who threw a not so playful punch in his direction.

"Last week you regaled us with the story of your foursome with three sisters" I corrected him.

"Yes but they were only sorority sisters and not real sisters. I can never find more than two real sisters willing to do that so I haven't won the Triple Crown yet." Emmett said before he chugged his Gatorade.

"Yet you still wonder why most women hate you?" Jasper asked.

"Women love me, both figuratively and literally. I am wonderful for them." Emmett challenged.

"How is fucking them and then never calling them treating them wonderful?" I asked, clearing wanting to get to the bottom of his dementia.

"Yes please try and explain this with your convoluted logic, if nothing else it should be entertaining." Jasper added.

"It is simple really, every girl dates that one horrible guy who is just the last straw. He makes her realize she needs to get her shit together and stop messing around with guys like him anymore and just settle down with their Mr. Right correct?" Emmett asked, but clearly didn't need an answer.

"Yeah" Jasper and I replied anyways.

"Well I am that guy. I show them how bad a guy who just wants to only have sex with them without a real relationship or any feelings on his past can be. After me they no longer want the asshole guy they think they can change and reform into a good guy. Jasper, you especially should be thanking guys like me, without us you would have never landed a girl like Alice, who is completely out of your league." Emmett explained.

"Asshole" Jasper said while tossing his empty water bottle at Em.

"Yes, but I am the best asshole ever." Emmett replied.

-=[ 0.o ]=-

Two tickets to the Toy Story marathon please I asked of the young girl in the booth and paid for our tickets.

Van and I made our way to the concession stand.

"What can I get your guys today?" Asked the heavily made up teenager at the register, her name tag said Tiffany.

"Do you want popcorn?" I asked.

"Yes" Van replied.

"A large?" I knew the answer already, but I enjoyed our game.

"Of course" Van said.

"Extra butter?" I kept up the game, much to the annoyance of the girl behind the counter.

"Yes please." Van continued with the polite manners he mother taught him.

"Icee?" I asked.

"Yes." Van replied with a grin, he knew what we were doing.

"Cherry or cola?" I asked noticing the girl behind the counter rolling her eyes.

"Cherry please" Van said, and I think even he was getting tired of this game.

"And gummy bears?" I inquired wanting to end this game.

"Yes please." Van said with an exasperated sigh.

"And you promise to tell your parents I limited you to healthier snack choices?" I asked

"Of course Edward." He said

"Good thanks little man." I said as I turned to the cashier, whom I think fell asleep during our little discussion. "And nachos and a large root beer" I added,

Tiffany got us Vans snacks also with my nachos and a soda.

I carried the majority of our snacky goodness while van had his drink and had put his gummy bears in his pocket.

"Ms. Swan. Ms. Swan!" Van started yelling at a brunette just a few feet in front of us.

The brunette turned around and Ms. Swan turned around to smile at Van before stopping and letting us catch up.

"Hello van how are you enjoying your day?" Asked the cute and seemingly sweet Ms. Swan, who seems familiar but I didn't know from where.

"Good. We are going to see toy story movies all day while momma stays home and cleans the house." Van said with a smile.

"I think you got the better deal Van." Ms. Swan replied.

"I assure you we did" I answered, suddenly feeling very left out of the conversation.

It finally hit me, Ms. Swan wax the bagel thief from this morning.

"You stole my bagel this morning" I blurted out.

"I did no such thing, but I do recall you holding the door to the bagel shop while I left with my purchases, which I presumed made you a gentleman." She replied as we both laughed at her joke.

"No I meant you got the last whole wheat everything bagel and ben the owner joked you stole it and I even held the door to help you escape." I explained."

"You should not accuse people of stealing without proof." Van admonished me.

"I apologize I only meant she got the bagel I wanted before I did." I explained as to not offend the small child.

"Oh well I can't argue that, and I apologize as well." Ms. Swan said and then shifted nervously.

I heard someone yell Bella and Ms. Swan seemed to respond with a hand wave.

"I guess we have taken enough of your time. Van say goodbye to Ms. Swan and we will head to our seats." I said to try and end this awkward conversation. I mean it was awkward because we were at a kids movie.

They said their goodbyes and then we made our way to our seats.

"So van how do you know Ms. Swan?" I asked wanting to know more about her now that I was intrigued.

"She is my teacher." Van explained in between bites of gummy bears.

Oh well that made sense.

-=[ 0.o ]=-

The thing I loved about being a paid author was the peace and quiet I got during the day when the apartment was empty and I could write as my ideas flowed. I could just write as much as I wanted without interruption or distraction.

Of course I was looking up porn and had planned to get more than just my creative juices flowing. It was part of my method that helped me write well...sometimes when I didn't just abuse myself like some caged monkey.

I had just loaded up some hot for teacher porn when my phone rang...I ignored it and of course it rang again and again so I finally answered it.

"Hello Jasper" I said since it showed his number on my phone yet again. Jeez I could not catch a break.

"Edward, hey man are you busy? I need a favor man." Jasper asked and seemed nervous.

"Nope not busy anymore. Whatcha need Jas?" I asked while zipping up my pants.

"Alice is stuck with clients all day and I just got called into a meeting so I can't grab Van from school. Can you pick him up?" Jasper asked.

"Sure." I replied. Maybe another encounter with Ms. Swan would remove my need for porn.

"I planned to get him and take him to the park. Can you cover for me?" Jasper was clearly worried about upsetting the little man.

"No problem I can grab the soccer ball before I leave." I answered.

"Thanks man you are a life saver. I owe you one." Jasper answered and we ended the call.

I was excited to spend the day with Van and was only slightly less excited to see Ms. Swan.

-=[ 0.o ]=-

I quickly parked and hurried to the office once I entered the school and asked directions to Ms. Swan's classroom. A very helpful secretary Mrs. Cope gave me very easy to follow directions. I had been held up in traffic and was running a little late.

I had not been in an elementary school since I was a student in elementary school, but I felt like a giant since everything was made for small children. I felt like I would have had to get on my knees to get a drink from one of the water fountains. I felt like Godzilla and this tiny school was my Tokyo and I was trying not to destroy it.

I found the classroom pretty easily as I only got lost twice, but I opened the door since it was labeled Ms. Swan.

"It's you." Van explained and launched himself at me, since he seemed to be nearly the last kid picked up and I suddenly felt kind of bad.

"Hey buddy, sorry I was running a little late I got caught in traffic." I explained to him and Ms. Swan.

"It's okay, are you taking me to the park?" Van asked clearly not worried about my tardiness. I hope Ms. Swan had the same attitude or maybe she could punish me for being a bad boy.

"Of course, I even brought my soccer ball" I explained.

"Bye Ms. Swan, see you on Monday." Van said as he grabbed his bad and started pulling me towards the door.

"Do I need to sign him out of anything?" I asked Ms. Swan not sure of the procedure, she was erasing the chalkboard. I might have talked directly to her ass but I was glad her back was turned to me.

Maybe I should have jerked off earlier so I wasn't such a fucking perv.

"The sign out sheet is on my desk. Alice already informed me that her husband would be picking up Van today so just sign your name beside his so we can keep track of who picked him up." Ms. Swan replied barely turning her head and her face looked a little flush.

Oh my God, she thought I was Jasper. If I told her I wasn't Jasper but Alice and Jasper's roommate and Van's "uncle" would she be cool with it or would I end up on some crazy episode of To Catch A Predator for trying to steal a kid?

Screw it, I just signed Jasper Whitlock's name beside Van's to avoid any embarrassment or confusion plus I did not want to get caught staring at her ass by her that would just add even more to the perv factor.


	2. Chapter 2 Planning

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, I am just making the characters say bad words and do funny things.

I have another chapter typed up and ready to go and another 2 to 3 in a notebook that need to be typed and edited a bit as my ideas have changed since I originally wrote some parts but I thought I would post what I have today.

I will not obsess over Jasper Whitlock.

I will not obsess over the beautiful Jasper Whitlock.

I will not obsess over the beautiful Jasper Whitlock, whom I caught ogling my ass while erasing the chalkboard.

I will not obsess over the beautiful Jasper Whitlock, whom I caught ogling my ass while erasing the chalkboard because he was married to Alice.

Ugh. I could not sleep and while I knew my new mantra to avoid obsessing was technically an obsession itself but I did not know what else to do. I thought he was handsome when I ran into him and his son at the movies and of course he showed some manners when he held the door at the bagel shop, but I did not really see his face until he came into my classroom to pick up Van. I admit I blushed when I answered his question and noticed he was staring directly at my ass while he was talking to me, it wasn't a lecherous stare like most guys, but I accepted it as a nice self-esteem booster.

I snuggled myself deeper under the covers and into the small cave I had made out of my pillows and groaned before finally finding the much sought after sleep I craved to give my mind a break from obsessing over Jasper Whitlock.

-=[ 0.o ]=-

"Momma B, wake up. I am hungry and Momma is making pancakes" MacKenzie exclaimed as she bounced up and down on my bed.

"Sweetie, I love you dearly but you have to stop bouncing or I am going to get fall out of bed. Wasn't there a story about monkeys jumping on the bed?" I explained as I was trying to figure out why I was awaken in this unholy manner by such a cute little girl.

"But I want Mickey Mouse pancake and Momma said I couldn't have any until you came down to breakfast, so get up" MacKenzie said and put on her sad pitiful face.

Oh no, I was useless against that sad pitiful place of this little angel.

I weighed my options and quickly snatched up the small child as I sprang up out of bed and dashed both of us towards the kitchen, while tickling Mack the whole way so the house filled with her giggles.

"Why didn't you say that your momma was making Mickey Mouse pancakes Mack? You know I love Rose's Mickey Mouse pancakes." I asked while sitting Mack down in her seat at the table and started making her plate.

"I did Momma B, I said that Momma was making Mickey Mouse pancakes and that is why you had to get up because I was so hungry." Mack explained as I made her plate and set it down in front of her and started cutting up her pancakes.

"I am sorry she woke you up so early Bella." Rose added with a small smile as she brought me a cup of delicious coffee.

"No worries Ro, now I get to have breakfast with my girls before we have to go to work." I replied as I put butter and syrup on my plate of pancakes.

"Any plans for after school today Bella?" Rose asked while refilling Mack's cup with apple juice.

"I Think Jake and I are going to do some retail therapy. Do you need anything while I am out?" I replied.

"A good man or more batteries, either one will do." Rose said dryly.

"I will see what I can do." I said as I started working on a plan in my head.

Rose had constantly gotten me crazy gag gifts for every major gift exchanging holiday since we were teenagers and I really wanted to return the favor and this seemed like a good chance to do that. I needed to go by the adult shop anyways for some Cochy Crème, it was designed to use to shave your lady business but it worked wonders on your legs and underarms and no razor burn, so Jake and I would have to try and find Rose a good man replacement made of latex or silicone while we were there.

I finished breakfast and went about getting ready for work while mulling over my impending prank on Rose over in my mind. I had almost made up my mind on what type of sex toy to get her, and maybe one for myself too by the time I got to school and flipped on the lights in my classroom.

I had to clear my mind out of the gutter, I couldn't be thinking about sex toys while parents were dropping off their kids.

I was busy greeting kids and their parents and answering the boring small talk all parents tried to do so it seemed less awkward, which to me just made it more awkward when I notice Alice and Van come into the room and she looked right at me.

Oh shit, can she tell just be looking at me that I have been obsessing over her husband?

"Morning Ms. Swan." Van said as he put up his bag and took his seat.

"Good morning Van" I replied and tried to avoid his mom before she left.

"Ms. Swan, can I speak with you for a moment?" Alice asked from behind me. I jumped because I thought she had left since I didn't see her. She seemed sneaky like a ninja.

I briefly considered Alice having a super power and was able to tell when another woman was having lustful thoughts about her husband, but that seemed a little farfetched, but admittedly still possible.

"Sure Mrs. Whitlock, give me just a minute to get the kids started" I replied and instructed the kids to start some free reading before I lead Alice off towards the door away from all the little ears. They didn't need to hear about a parent accusing me of slutting up on her husband.

"I want to apologize to you as it was Edward who picked up Van the other day and not my husband Jasper. Edward explained you thought he was Jasper and didn't know if you would let him have Van if he had to explain he was his unofficial uncle instead of my husband." Alice said with a soft voice.

I was confused, did she just admit to me she had two husbands, if so that was completely unfair to take two men off the market.

"So you have two husbands?" I asked thinking maybe Jasper and Edward were brother-husbands like those odd sister-wife ladies I kept sawing on TV.

"Yes, Edward and I have been roommates since college, and we just all got a place together after Jasper and I were married." Alice explained, as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

"Are they your brother-husbands? Do you have like multiple sets of husbands and in laws and all live together like a chick version of Big Love?" I asked unable to control my verbal filter and still being very confused.

Alice laughed, not a girlish cute little giggle you would expect from someone so petite but a huge rolling belly laugh. I am sure some teachers and students in nearby classrooms wondered what the entire ruckus was about.

"No Ms. Swan, Edward and I were roommates in college on accident. Long story shortened, I went by Al and they thought I was a guy, since there was no other rooms available we went with it. It was awkward at times. I think he has seen me in as many various stages of undress over the years as my husband Jasper has now but I only have sex with my husband." Alice explained.

I was so excited that Jasper/Edward was not married to Alice and that my ogling of him was not as inappropriate as it had previously seemed which made me do an internal happy dance for all the naughty thoughts I previously had. I was pulled out of my own head by Alice staring at me so I thought I should say something.

'Why didn't you just say that to start?" I asked jokingly because honestly I had more questions now about Edward then I did when I thought he was Jasper.

"Edward being the dumb boy that he is didn't realize we added him as someone authorized to pick up Van so since you were expecting Jasper he just went with it. He thought it was easier that way." Alice added.

"I feel so much better, I have not been able to get your husband out of my head" the verbal filter just failed so I went with it. "I mean not your husband Jasper, but the fake Jasper who is really Edward who just seems like a very beautiful man" I kept blurting things out.

Surely she would see me as the crazy lady I was inside my head and take her child and run to the Principal's office and demand I be fired and escorted off the grounds immediately.

"So you like Edward?" Alive asked with a sly grin.

"Yeah. I mean I don't really know him, but if we were in a bar and he flirted with me, I would so do him very hard and nasty, possibly in the bar while the other patrons watched without any shame." I said just going with the verbal leakage from my brain to my mouth.

"Do you have any plans for this weekend Ms. Swan?" Alice asked.

"Please call me Bella, I mean everyone whom I accuse of having brother-husbands is allowed to call me by my first name." I said.

"I think we should have a little fun with Edward and Jasper, and I have a plan." Alice said with a wicked smile.

"Well here is my number, I have to go to a sex shop with my gay best friend and get my roommate a dildo that would make King Kong jealous, but call me any time this evening and I should be available" I said and handed Alice my number so she could call me later.

"I like the way you think" Alice said as she gave me a quick hug and left.

I gave her a little squeeze back and went back to teach my class suddenly excited for the weekend to get here, more so then normal.

-=[ 0.o ]=-

Jake and I arrived at the sex shop simply named Moira's. It was in the most non-descript building, but I guess when you are the only sex shop in town, you don't really have to rely on foot traffic to get business in the door. I mean if you didn't know it was there you would pass right by without realizing it was the closest pervert mecca we had in town.

As we walked inside I fished my ID out of my purse. It was odd to be asked for ID to enter a retail store, but I guess it helped keep the kids out so that was a good thing.

I admit I had been in here my fair share of times with Jake or Rose, but sometimes by myself too. Hey a girl has to have a hobby. Yes some people collect stamps or garden but my friends and I seem to collect sex toys, and it was a much much MUCH more enjoyable hobby.

After the guy at the counter checked out IDs and then checked out Jake again we headed straight for the dildo wall in the back. I knew what I wanted, now I just had to find it. I pulled down one that was nearly a foot long and as thick as my wrist and showed it to Jake.

"I have seen bigger." Jake replied after only a casual glance at the phallus I was holding.

"It never fails, I always think I am a very sexually progressive person but then you or Rose make a comment like that and I feel like a prude." I said putting back the fake penis feeling defeated.

"Why?" Jake asked looking at some lube in the next display.

"Well admittedly something that size seems huge to me. If I guy pulled that out of his pants when the time came, once I picked my jaw up off the floor, I would thank him for a nice evening and leave because that thing would split me in two Jake." I explained feeling like a small child.

"Hahaha B, there are lots of things two people can and can't do. Just because your lady parts don't like to be stretched out enough to be fisted doesn't mean you aren't sexually progressive. I mean you like what you like, and sure there might be some things you want to or will try, but you are your normal not anyone else. I mean I like dicks, just like you do, but I like mine big, the bigger the better." Jake said as he came over and picked up a large dildo called the Vaginal Violator and handed it to me.

"Oh shit Jake, we better get Rose some lube too." I replied after looking at the thing which seemed twice as big and thick as my initial selection.

"Yeah she isn't getting that thing inside her without lots of lube and practice, even after she birthed a kid." Jake added as I grabbed some good lube.

Though to get that thing inside her she might need axel grease or whatever they use to make parts move on spaceships, I thought as I thought of the vibe I had in my drawer at home, which seemed like this things little brother's little brother. Yeah lube as good.

"We are ready to check out so lead me back to the register Master of Cock." I said mockingly to Jake as I grabbed the back of his shirt and let him lead me to the register.

I learned years ago you don't argue with most gay men about decorating, fashion, and lube, especially Jake.

After we finished the purchase and headed back to my apartment, I was suddenly struck by a thought.

"Jake, where can I hide this so Rose finds it but Mack doesn't? I don't want to scar the poor girl, she is so sweet." I asked.

'Well B, why not just put it where Rose keeps her toys." Jake explained simply.

"Duh, that makes sense, sorry I had a dumb moment." I said.

The truth was I think I was still traumatized by the wall of dildo and couldn't help thinking what Edward as packing in his khakis, and that was making me horny and I only had so much blood in my body.

"Jake are your friends still doing that drag show on Saturdays?" I asked forming a plan in my head to run by Rose and my new home girl Alice.

"Yeah Riley and Mike have a dirty cabaret showing where they have a group of guys dressed up as girls and shake their buns and sausage at everyone." Jake explained with a faraway look in his eye, think of a specific bun and/or sausage no doubt.

"Do you think you could do me a favor?" I asked fitting all the pieces of the puzzle together in my head.

I explained what I needed from Jake as part of my plan, not the whole plan because as The Godfather taught me you only let people know what you need them to know to get things done for you.

"Sure, but I don't see how seeing some hot pieces of man meat will help with your plan, but I will help you of course" Jake said and pulled out his phone to make some calls to set things up for me.

I pulled out my phone and hit speed dial as I started gather ingredients for a garlic chicken dish for dinner.

"Did you find me my own personal Channing Tatum to use and abuse as I see fit?" Rose asked as soon as she answered the phone.

"No but I am working on it for you promise. Can you get Bree to watch Mack on Saturday night?" I could hardly contain the chuckle about my previous purchase for her.

"Yeah, what you got planned?" Rose replied.

"Your best friend who loves dick wants us to go see some of his friends in a drag show, so he wants us to watch them do their Magic Mike while looking like Magic Marilyn" I explained just enough to bait the hook.

"Sounds like a good time, but no typically what you do on a Saturday night, what gives?" Rose asked clearly confused why I would want to see gay boys dance around for my amusement.

"I meet a student's mother Alice today and we talked about getting together and this seems like the perfect outing to make new girl friends and bond. I mean we can't be competing for guys in a room full of queens." I logically laid out my plan.

"Oh I think there is more than that, but I am game Swan" Rose replied and I filled her in on some details and ended the call.

My next call was to Alice as I put the dish in the oven to bake.

"Alice, do you think you can get your brother husbands to a gay bar for a drag show on Saturday? Oh and bring a third one if you have a spare laying around" I asked as soon as she answered the phone.

After a pause, another huge belly laugh Alice finally replied "Sure, that shouldn't be a problem."

We talked a bit more and I filled her in on what she needed to know. This was going to be hilarious.


	3. Chapter 3 Man I Feel Like A Woman

Chapter 3 Man! I Feel Like a Woman

A/N: I apologize as has changed the way they send emails for reviews/faves. Previously these all showed up in my Inbox and I could respond to and interact with my readers but just noticed this changed to now going to Spam so I apologize I did not get in touch with any of you previously, but think I have corrected the problem moving forward and will try to reply to those who leave reviews possibly with a bit of the next chapter once I am back on pace.

I did go on vacation for almost a week which put me about 10 days behind where I wanted to be with this story so that is why it was delayed. I have a general overview of what I want to happen eventually but am honestly going where the characters in my head lead the story, but will try to post a chapter every 2 weeks or so as I previously mentioned.

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, I am just making the characters say bad words and do funny things.

EPOV

"So where exactly are we going Alice?" I asked again but knew I still would not get a real answer from her yet again.

"Out to have some fun, now get ready. Dress comfortably but nice as I am sure we will bump into some very nice people." She said like she had it on repeat because that is the same reply I got the previous twenty-seven times I asked the question.

Alice has been super-duper top secret about us all going out to meet some friends Saturday night. I was worried she was trying to set me up with a friend or something. Honestly normally that wouldn't bother me but lately I have had nothing but Ms. Swan stuck in my head and admittedly my fantasies since our previous encounter. She had been the star of many masturbatory fantasies already and I admit I did casually ask Van about his teacher and learned she was not only incredibly hot but also seemed very sweet and she made really good cupcakes for the class whenever a student had a birthday. Maybe I could drop by next time there was a birthday party for one of the kids in his class and could sample her cupcakes and we could go out and grab a drink or dinner afterward.

"Fine but I am bringing Emmett with us." I said once I snapped out of my own daydream and figured if she did try and set me up I could pawn the poor girl off on Em and still get away.

"Great but you better look presentable or else Edward." Alice shrieked at me from the other side of my bedroom door.

I grabbed some khakis pants and a light blue button down dress shirt Alice got me for my last birthday from my closet, she said something about it bringing out my eyes or some other such nonsense so I figure it would appease her and save me from her wrath.

I exited my room after dressing and spritzing a small amount of cologne on because while I might not be interested in whomever Alice was trying to set me up with, I did not want to stink.

"You look respectable, but don't you think you could do something different with your hair?" Alice asked as she put on her shoes while grabbing onto my shoulder for balance.

"Al come on you know my hair does what it wants and I just deal with it" I explained and held her for balance. I don't know why she had to wear some death trap heels. I mean I know she is short and sensitive about it since she isn't even five foot tall, but still no good could come from anyone wearing six inch hooker heels all night.

Jasper gave me a nod so I know I didn't look horrible. After Al gave Mrs. Cope our neighbor who was watching Van for the night all our contact information we made our way towards the elevators.

"Come on Al just tell me what you got planned?" I pleaded once more figuring now that we had already left she would have mercy on me and tell me where we were going since I couldn't really flake on her now.

"No way Cullen and if you ask again well I am not sure what I will do but I can promise you won't like it" Alice replied touching up her lipstick in the elevators reflection.

Jasper just kept typing away on his phone so he was no help as backup.

We left the building and caught a cab which Alice informed the cabbie in hush tones where he was taking us.

Maybe if I slide him a twenty he would tell me our destination.

"Ow!" I yelped as Alice's pointy pain bringing shoe made contact with my skin.

"Don't even think about it. God for a writer you seem to have no sense of adventure." She replied dryly and I wondered how she knew what I was thinking.

"Did you even tell Emmett where to meet us or did you have guys show up at his place and place a black bag over his head and give him there to ensure your secrecy?" I asked not sure how large her blanket of secrets truly was.

"No I gave Em detailed descriptions for what was happening tonight. He would have been too much of a loose cannon if not." Alice replied as we pulled up to our destination, I think I mean for all I knew we could be switching cabs and changing directions or some such super-duper secret spy nonsense.

BPOV

Rose and I waited outside the club for Alice to bring the boys when a large man came approached us but looked apprehensive.

"Bella?" Goliath asked as he approached but he had a sweet voice and kind eyes so I wasn't nearly as afraid of him as I thought I would be.

"Yes, and I guess you are Emmett?" I asked and he nodded. I extended my hand to him. "Nice to meet you. Alice told me you would be arriving separate."

"How do you think you are going to talk the guys into doing this?" Emmett asked as he shook my hand.

"Oh we have our ways big guy." I replied and then motioned to Rose "This is my roommate Rose." I explained as I gestured towards here since she was jumping up and down nearby I presumed to stay warm.

"Nice to meet you." Emmett said and his face showed his dimples. I was used to guys being more impressed with Rose than they were with me, but still it stung my ego a little none the less.

We started chatting about how he knew everyone else and were in the middle of an amusing college story about Edward which I found so entertaining with the way Emmett explained how he and Edward meet during a summer internship at a law firm where they seemed to do nothing but prank each other. Not that I can blame them since it was an unpaid internship, they might as the well have had fun since they weren't getting paid.

A cab pulls up to a sudden jerky stop at the curb and while she is paying the cabbie, yelling at him about his horrible driving, I spot Alice and who looks to be her real husband Jasper and the fake Jasper also known as Edward.

Damn he looks good, nothing too sophisticated but he looks comfortable yet well put together so I am guessing Alice had a hand in his outfit.

"Well hello Ms. Swan, funny meeting you here" Alice says once she comes near me starting our little game of cat and mouse.

"Hello to you too Alice and Jasper, who is this you have with you?" I asked looking at the real Jasper just to bug Edward as the real jasper just looks confused or constipated, I am not sure which.

"Come on Ms. Swan you know I feel like a complete ass having lied to you" Edward explains and atleast as the good sense to look sorry for his actions.

"Oh yes you felt so bad about your deception that you allowed Alice to apologize to me on your behalf. I would have expected once of my students to have his mother apologize for him but not a grown ass man like you." I said snidely. While I wasn't really pissed it did drive me crazy thinking I had a huge lady boner for one of my kids married parents.

Edwards face looks like I had smacked him and I guess I had kind of bitch slapped him but with words instead of my hand. I do always tell my class to use their words not their fists so I felt good following my own advice.

Alice and Emmett were trying to cover up the laughs from escaping from their mouths; Emmett lost first and let out a huge belly laugh which caused me to lose the straight face I was trying to keep up during our little rouse.

"Look it is cool, but for your Dr. Evil level master plan, you owe me one okay?" I said trying to give him an olive branch, attached to an anvil but he didn't know that yet.

"Owe you one what?" Edward asked and I swear we were trying to give me the sexy eye brows.

"A favor, a no questions asked do it or I never speak to you again because you gave me your word favor, deal?" I explained and asked.

"Deal, sure I can do that." Edward said with a smirk.

"Thanks." I said with a sweet smile while inside my head I was doing my own version of Dr. Evil's laugh but so very much cooler and maybe even a little sexier I hoped.

"No that all that drama is settled what are we doing here?" Emmett asked.

"We are going to a drag show." Rose explained while giving Emmett this look.

I wasn't sure but I think my wee friend Rose might be a little smitten, good for her let her go get her some real instead of some plastic dick for a change.

"A drag show, you mean where guys tuck their pork and beans into tight panties and pretend to be girls?" Jasper asked with more southern drawl then I knew he had. It was cute.

"Yes guys dress up like girls. Some are straight guys who enjoy it while others are gay men and it plays into their wanting to be more feminine, but all the ones I have been to have been amazing especially when you see a big huge dude like well Emmett sing like Liza."

"Sounds good to me, let's go it is getting cold out here." Emmett said as he offered Rose his arm to escort her.

And much to my chagrin Rose accepted it and let him lead her inside.

Not to be outdone Jasper made the same offer to Alice with the same results.

And then there were two.

'When in Rome I think is how the saying goes." Edward exclaimed and made me the same offer of his arm to lead me inside, so not to be left out I accepted his offer as well.

I caught a whiff of his cologne as he led me through the entrance and wow he smelled good. Sandalwood and man smell, my favorite.

The club was smoky as we walked in, though I only saw people with those vaporizers and not real cigarettes so the smell was more floral, almost sweet. I went to the hostess stand and informed them of our party's arrival.

"Table for Swan" I told Marilyn and she lead us over to a table and we all followed.

Wow she looked good, seriously I mean comparing me to other women at times was bad enough on my self-esteem but now to compare myself to a man who made an extremely pretty woman just didn't seem fair.

I noticed the club was quickly filling up and was glad Jake had enough pull to reserve us a table down near the front but not too close. No sense going to a show if you don't have a good view of the stage area, which was just a small platform setup in the middle of what was typically the dance floor with a curtain for a backstage area.

I guess the performers wanted a little modestly while shoving their bodies into tiny costumes. I wouldn't imagine how much time and effort it would take to tuck away all that sausage.

"Can I touch them?" Rose asked Marilyn while eyeing her boobs. I admit I was jealous of her chesticles.

"Sure honey, but I have to let you know I won't swing your way." Marilyn answered in a rather deep voice while she thrust her chest out so Rose could really get a good grip. I thought it was odd but I guess she was used to being man handled, literally.

"Wow those are nice. How did you get them to look so nice?" Rose asked after she finished fondling Marilyn's goodies.

"Duct tape, some rubber tubing and a Nerf football" Marilyn replied dryly.

"Well I have my own and I am impressed by yours. Care to join us for a drink?" Rose asked.

"No thanks honey, but what can I get you guys?" Marilyn countered. Poor Rose she wasn't used to guys not giving her attention, usually even gay men loved Rose like she was the second coming of Celine Dion.

"It's okay I think yours are so much better, not to be rude of anything." Emmett leaned over to Rose and said quietly which I overheard and suppressed a giggle.

"They are and they are magnificent I assure you." Rose said as she tried not to smile but I could see her face light up more. Seems they were crushed on each other.

We all ordered drink and Marilyn came back with them rather quickly which surprised me. Not only was she rocking some cleavage that piqued Rose's interest but she also could damn near run in some high heels, lucky bitch. I would have fallen and broken my ass by that time.

"Hey Bella, how are you and who are your lovely friends?" Jake asked as he gave me a hug and eyed Emmett suspiciously who I noticed scooted a little closer to Rose.

"Hold up tiger, if Jake wants you I am not going to save you, he fights like a girl." Rose explained and scooted away.

"Damn straight I will snatch a bitch bald headed" Jake said with the perfect gay sass to punctuate his comment.

"Cute Jake real cute, now everyone is going to think you are some scrappy hood rat." I scolded him "But this is Alice and Jasper Whitlock, their son Van is in my grade. Their friend Emmett who is seated by Rose and to my right is Edward" I said while indicating whom I was speaking with. "And this is my gay-ier half Jake. He is like the big gay brother who I never wanted to get near my closet because he stretches out all my clothes" I said.

"Amen to that." Rose said and raised her glass in a toasting fashion before taking a sip.

"You are both just jealous I can wear anything in either of your closets better." Jake said while shaking hands with the new people he had just met until he got to Edward and he gave him a look.

I couldn't tell if Jake wanted to fuck him or fight him and admittedly it made me giggle again especially when Edward squirmed in his seat clearly picking up the same vibe I was.

"Well I have to go and circulate but I will stop back by later right before intermission" Jake explained and blew me and Rose each a kiss before he departed.

"Well he certainly was well interesting" Edward said once Jake was out of ear shot and Edward could unclench his buttocks I presume by the way he was wiggling.

EPOV

We watched more of the revue and it was interesting. Some of these guys made horrible ugly ladies that frankly gave women a bad name but a few were convincing. Bella explained those would likely be the ones who identified more as transgender since they felt like a woman trapped in a man's body and looks at this as a chance to express the real person inside them.

I don't know about all that but the show was funny, the drinks were good and with my friends around and Bella beside me I could not have thought the company could get any better.

While another contestant was finishing their song which I think was a Cher song but I am not sure as I am not really familiar with her discography I noticed Jake heading our way.

Oh joy, it must be almost intermission and he did say he would be back over.

I didn't like Jake, it wasn't that I had a problem with gay guys, I support gay marriage even though I don't know a lot of homosexual e people personally but was all for anyone being themselves, but Jake just looked at me well like a piece of meat and that made me feel uncomfortable.

"So are the two Jaspers ready to go back stage and go on after the break?" Jake asked with a big smile as he came over.

Crazy homo says what?

"Excuse me?" I asked clearly not knowing what the hell he was talking about.

"Bella said you" Jake put his hand on the back of my chair "and you" putting his other hand on the back of Jasper's chair "would grace us with a special number tonight so you need to head back stage and get ready." Jake explained as if it was the simplest thing in the world.

"Shitfire Al, what did you sign us up for?" Jasper asked as he was clearly going all Texas. It happened sometimes when he got drunk; his southern roots would show more and more. Usually it was amusing but right now it didn't seem to be helping explain what the fuck was going on.

"Come on Edward, you owe me. Not only did you lead me to believe you were Jasper which is basically lying to me when we first meet, but you kept staring at my ass as well." Bella turned to me and explained as I had just sat their dumbfounded.

"I did not technically lie to you, what I did was just sort of lying adjacent. You presumed I was Jasper and I simply did not want to correct you. My mother told me correcting a woman could be dangerous to your health, so I tend to follow that advice." I said as I tried to talk myself out of this mess.

"That is bullshit and you know it. There is no such thing as lying adjacent. You either tell the truth or you are lying." Bella said as she gave me some hard eyes.

"Yes Ms. Swan, thank you for the lecture." I said with a smirk since logic wasn't getting me out of this I was hoping maybe my charm could.

"Shut it you are lucky I don't have a ruler." Bella joked as she giggled.

"Oh we could have fun with that." I teased still hoping to get out of this.

"I will make a deal with you Edward. If you do this not only are we even on the favor you already promises me earlier no questions asked I might remind you, but I will also agree to one date with you, how does that sound?" Bella asked.

I thought for a second clearly intrigued by her idea. I mean it looked like I was going to have to do this anyways but I would end up getting a date out of it with her. I think I could humiliate myself in public for that, I mean I had hung out with Emmett so I was used to being embarrassed in public enough already.

"Okay deal" I said to Bella who give me a very sweet and genuine smile.

I turned to watch Jasper as he and Alice were now the main entertainment since my own drama has concluded.

"Come on Jasper you owe me. You had to work during our getaway weekend and had to have Edward pickup Van for you so you owe me." Alice pleaded.

"But sweetie I don't want to tuck my bits in-between my legs and dance around to some Lady Gaga song." Jasper whined.

"Oh honey you couldn't pull off Gaga, maybe Britney but you are not on Gaga's level yet. I will compromise with you Jazz. If you do this for me I will do that thing for you tonight you have always wanted." Alice explained clearly taking a page from Bella playbook.

"Really, even with the costume and props? " Jasper asked excitedly.

"Yes honey, whatever you do, but you have got to do this for me and I in return will do something for you." Alice explained as she took another pull from her drink.

"I guess I would get all glammed up and do this for you then, but if I do we are going country. I refuse to be dressed up as a girl AND have to dance around to techno pop bullshit music that is just more than I can take." Jasper explained as he downed the remaining beer he was drinking.

"So what song do you want to do then Jazz?" I asked, because honestly it didn't matter to me.

"A good country song, you know God's music that lets you know it's okay to have a gun rack on your tractor and that beer bellies are sexy." Jasper said clearly on his way to drunk. Jasper is from Texas but you can't tell until he gets a good amount of alcohol in his blood stream and then it's all rodeos and rasslin.

"Oh god. " I exclaimed realizing he might try to lasso and hog tie me as part of the act and that so would not be cool.

"You will be fine, I am sure the dressing up as a woman part will be more embarrassing than whatever music I pick for us to do." Jasper said making sense so either I was catching up with him on drinks or he was some sort of redneck Jedi master.

"You are going to have to tuck your junk like that freaky guy from Silence of the Lambs" Emmett said laughing loudly and making all the girls around us giggle as well.

"Shut up Em!" Jasper and I both screamed at once.

"Are you ladies done sorting out your issues?" Jake asked. Jasper and I just nodded. "Good follow me." He replied as he lead us to the backstage area.

Once we got backstage and helped into costume by Elizabeth Taylor and Xena Warrior Princess, it was awkward and not just because I had another guy touching me. While I don't swing that way I was comfortable with myself and knew the time I spent in the gym showed but still having another guy help you squeeze into spandex would make anyone feel uneasy.

Jasper and I practice moved during our final moment and were arguing over the exact step to the Macarena dance while we waited for the intermission to end and our routine to begin.

We both froze when the curtain came up and the music started. It took a few beats before we realized that we need to start this performance so we could get it over and claim our rewards.

"Let's go girls" jasper exclaimed as he launched into the lyrics for Shania Twain's Man! I Feel Like a Woman.

Jasper took the lead thank god, and I just backed him up with harmonies on the chorus and did my best at being a wannabe background dancer, but I felt more like the girl in the before the makeover picture honestly.

It was awful, it was embarrassing. I think at one point on of my balls fell out of the spandex outfit I was wearing, but by god when we were done the whole place cheered.

To help my ego I am sticking to thinking we were entertaining enough to amuse them and not that they were cheering for my balls cameo appearance, but I knew when I looked at Bella and saw her smile and blush that I had redeemed myself in her eyes atleast.


	4. Chapter 4 Aftermath

A/N: So it seems chapter 3 going from a Google doc file to MS Word Docx and then a normal MS Word Doc file seemed to have jacked up the formatting when I posted it. Sadly I posted it Friday night and didn't have a chance to correct it until Sunday, so I apologize to anyone who tried to read it until it was fixed. I am hoping this one posts right from the get go.

I did post the last chapter a week late but I am going to try and get back to my every 2 week schedule from today and post on Saturday/Sunday depending on what is going on in my life. I have been able to get some writing in during the week so if everything goes well, I might be able to start posting chapters weekly maybe.

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, I am just making the characters say bad words and do things I find funny.

BPOV

"You guys sang a Shania Twain song and you did it in drag." Emmett stated while laughing his ass off for what had to be the tenth time since the guys returned to our table just a few minutes ago.

I was thinking he had some sort of stroke since he just kept repeating the same exact words? I think that is a sign of it. Oh well I will Google it later to find out for sure.

"Yes Emmett we did as were enticed by the lovely ladies sitting around the table to do so, I would call it an exchange of tit for tat, but that seems a bit crass and rude." Jasper explained.

"Whatever you say Jasmine, you and Edna were adorable. I would even go so far to say totes adorbs as you girls are so fond of saying" Emmett said and laughed at his own joke.

Jasper admittedly seemed to have sobered up after his little performance, but I still giggled at what he said since he did have some remnants of eye shadow, which made his eyes seems brighter by contrast.

Edward was quiet and seemed more somber than he was previously before they took the stage.

Their performance was hilarious as while I am not a vaginatarian in the least bit, seeing a hot guy like Edward dressed up as a chick was very hot. I am not sure how him tucking his junk and pretending to be a girl made him hot still, but it did and while don't know why I feel that way, I will try to avoid any girls softball games until I figure it out.

"I notice you are giving the guys shit, yet you didn't get up there and perform Emmett, why is that?' Rose asked sweetly. I was concerned because besides Mack I don't think Rose has ever spoken sweetly to anyone else.

Danger Will Robinson Danger!

"Yeah well, uhm I didn't want to upstage these guys by showing off how uh super awesome I am and overshadow them." Emmett explained but stumbled over his words.

"So you think you can do a better job than Edward and Jasper?" Rose inquired and I knew she was snaring him into a trap I just wasn't sure what it was yet.

"I am sure I could I mean I am amazing at everything I do." Emmett replied while giving Rose a very flirty look.

"I will grab Jake and have him schedule you in to close the show." Rose said flatly and go up and left the table in search of Jake.

Emmett's face was so red from realizing exactly what he had stepped into and you could see the wheels turning in his brain trying to figure out a way out of this. I mean he couldn't back down now or else he would lose face with Rose and everyone else at the table really since he had been giving the guys such a hard time and wouldn't be willing to do it himself but if he followed through with it, he would have to become 'Emily' and do a song and dance himself.

"What's up buttercup?" I asked turning to look at Edward, trying to break him out of the funk he was in. Since Alice and Jasper seemed in their own bubble and Emmett was trying to dig himself out of trouble.

"I think I just showed one of my balls to a club full of people including you, Rose, and my friends so I would say I am doing amazing. Yourself?" Edward said with a pout.

While I did want to embarrass him and have some fun, I didn't think he would be this pissy about it honestly. I mean it was a joke and I thought it was hilarious as did the remaining people at our table. Hell I think Alice was crying she was laughing so hard.

"Don't be such a spoil sport. It was funny and everyone took it in good spirits. So no hard done." I explained trying to persuade him to see the humor in it.

"Here this is from an admirer." Marilyn said and set down a drink in front of Edward.

"What is it?" he replied seeming concerned.

"It's called a long hard screw sweetie." Marilyn explained and sauntered off.

Damn I wish I could get my ass to swish like that. I made a note to ask Marilyn for tips if she came back around.

"See free drinks, so there is a bright side." I said and gave him a smile.

"Yeah just what I needed to have guys buy me innuendo laden drinks to hammer home the point that I am a girl." Edward said and pushed the drink away from him.

"Would it make you feel better if I shared an embarrassing story with you about myself, so we are on more even ground?" I asked trying to correct whatever I did to break the guy who seemed so self-assured previously.

"Sure" Edward replied and seemed to light up a little.

"One time back in high school, I think it was junior year and I was selected to participate in a debate at assembly about abstinence. I am not sure why I was randomly selected but I think my dad had something to do with it since taking the stand of waiting until marriage would scare any prospective boys away not that they were beating down the door when they know your dad has guns and can arrest them if he wants." I rambled and Edward looked confused.

"My dad is a cop, hence the guns and powers of incarceration of teenage boys" I explained trying to figure out how to tell this story without giving away the ending.

Edward nodded and motioned for me to continue.

"So I planned out this amazing well researched and logic debate that would have even the most slutty girls in school closing up shop and praying to Jesus to grow their hymen back so they can give their special gift to their husband and was ready to debate this fact and win. We were seated in a row of chairs at the front of the stage as they had various classes and debates going all day at the assembly."

Edward indicates he is following me so far.

"I was called and go up and marched up onto the stage and rocked Lauren by nemesis in the debate and as I was leaving I tripped and fell and my purse spilled anywhere. Mrs. Cope the elderly school nurse came out to check me over and make sure I was right, then handed me back my birth control pills that had went flying in front of the whole assembly, thus making me seem like the biggest hypocrite in the world." I explained.

Edward bust out laughing at my embarrassing story and seemed to be back to what I thought of as his normal self and I was glad and my expression slipped and he looked at me funny.

"How much of that story is true?" he asked while looking me dead in the eye.

"Well I did go to high school, my dad is a cop, and I have been to a school assembly before so I would say it is mostly inspired by a true story." I said and cracked up laughing.

"You made up an embarrassing story just to make me feel better?" Edward inquired.

"Yeah why not? It seemed to break you out of your funky mood and it was fun." I said and smiled hoping he would get the joke within the joke.

"Thank you Bella for telling me a story of your fake embarrassment as I understand how emotionally scarring that was for you, it did make me feel better and I am sorry I was so sullen." Edward explained and instantly you could see the tension withdraw from his body and he instantly looked more relaxed.

"Welcome, now how does it feel knowing I have already seen one of your balls?" I asked a little loudly which caused everyone at the table to turn their attention to us and start to laugh at my ridiculous question.

EPOV

"I am, well I am not sure how I feel about that." I said and looked at Bella.

Bella was awesome. I mean she made up a completely ridiculous story on the spot to try and make me feel even. I didn't mean to be all sulky but I was embarrassed about the whole performance thing and I guess I just needed someone to help draw me out of my own head.

Sometimes it is scary up in here and I get lost in my own head and have to find my way out and while it takes a while I do eventually come to my senses.

"How do you feel having seen my testicle already?" I asked seeing if it bothered her.

"I am glad to see it was normal sized and you don't suffer from some weird elephantiasis of the balls. I mean no girl wants to see a guy drop his pants and have a cantaloupe on one size and walnut on the other, it's just not aesthetically pleasing." Bella explained with a laugh.

"I guess makes sense, but you did catch me checking out your ass so you seeing my ball makes us almost even" I said kind of rambling.

"What do you mean almost? You ogled me and I ogled you, so we are square." Bella said and took another sip from her drink.

"No see I ogled you, and you saw nudity from me, so I think you have the advantage here babe." I countered.

She had seen part of my genitals, so I don't see how be staring at her ass would make use even.

Bella seemed to consider this for a minute and then stood up and pulled up her shirt and pulled down a single cup for her bra.

I felt like Bobby Boucher and wanted to shout 'I saw her boobs and I liked those too'. Well I saw one boob but I didn't think the other one would be all wonky.

Bella righted her clothes and sat down and said "There now we are even."

Well atleast she had a good sense for honor.

"What are you doing this weekend? I would like to take you out for a proper date." I asked and explained myself.

Bella laughed and everyone around the table started looking at us, I am guessing Bella flash had attracted some attention but honesty I was distracted and now my brain was blank.

"You only want to go out with me because I showed you some boob and now you want some more, but I don't have anything planned after school Friday. What did you have in mind?" Bella inquired.

"Dinner and some drinks and if it clicks we play it by ear?" I suggested. I mean I just liked hanging out and talking to her since she was so amusingly funny and seemed to have a similar sense of humor.

"You say dinner and drinks and see where it goes, I hear you will feed me and ply me with liquor to try and get in my pants." Bella retorts and laughed.

"I just want to spent time with you. I don't want to go to the movies where we can't talk and I know you deal with kids all day so I would feel bad groping or ogling you on a mini golf course or something. I mean I am not saying I don't want to get in your pants as you put it, but it isn't my end goal just an entertaining evening with who I think is a very special lady." I explain in a rambling manner.

"Did you just refer me to as your special lady friend? That makes you sound like an old divorced guy describing the new woman he is banging to his kids." Bella laughed again.

I don't know what was so funny but her laugh was delightful so while she clearly was giving me shit, it didn't bother me since it was making her laugh to do so.

"Do you want to be my special lady friend?" I shot back at her.

"Calm down sparky, let's go to dinner without all these adult chaperones before you start introducing me to your kids and taking us all to the Sizzler for a nice steak." Bella said holding up her hand to indicate I should start.

"Give me your phone." I requested.

Bella gave me a look Alice has taught me is called a bitch brow. Clearly my simply request sounded more like a demand.

"Can I please see your phone Ms. Swan?" I asked since I did have some manners.

"Here you go" she replied as she pulled her phone from her purse and handed it to me.

"Damnit, Jake said the card is full so I can't get Emmett a chance to perform tonight." Rose announced as she returned to the table.

I have never seen Emmett looked more relieved and happy in his life, but Rose looked upset and Bella looked to be thinking, which I know from my recent experience was not always a good thing.

"I am sorry Rose, maybe I can make it up to you some other way." Emmett offered with a slyness to his voice.

"I am sorry we can think of something." Bella answered stopping Rose from replying and I saw Emmett start sweating bullets again.

"You think we can?" Rose asked Bella this time.

"Oh I am sure something can be worked out." Bella replied with a grin as I handed back her phone after programming my number in and sending myself a text so I had her number as well.

After a few more drinks and surprisingly no more teasing from Emmett we decided to call it a night and starting to settle our tabs and head out. Everyone was saying there farewells and after Alice hugged Bella I nudged her shoulder to get her attention.

"Will you text me when you get home so I know you got there safe?" I asked Bella.

"Sure, but only if you text me an embarrassing childhood anecdotes." Bella counter offered.

"Real or fake story?" I asked not really sure which she wanted.

"Either as long as it amuses me in return." Bella said with a smile and gave me a quick hug.

Way too quick of a huge for me as I did like having her held against me.

"What would you telling me what you have planned for Emmett cost me?" I inquired since I was curious if his punishment would be as severe as mine and Jasper's.

"I will see how amusing your story is and tell you then." Bella said finally and gave me another longer hug and I liked her lingering a little longer since she smelled so good. I don't know what she smells like just girly and nice.


	5. Chapter 5 Setting up a date

A/N: So posting chapter 4 worked well and while shorter than I wanted, it was a good stopping point as if I would have kept going it would have had to include this chapter and possibly the next depending on how this one goes. I have a general idea of what I want to do with the story overall but I go where the characters lead me. I have a vague outline of what and when events will occur but the rest is just writing.

Would you readers prefer a longer chapter every 2 weeks or shorter chapters posted weekly (usually)?

Some text messages are exchanged in this chapter. Any texts will be shown in bold while everything else is dialogue or inner monologue and should show up normal. Let me know if that is confusing and I will try to work out something better moving forward. Also I text in full words and sentence and rarely use abbreviations, so that is how must of my characters will text as well. It is a pet peeve to try to translate what someone meant during a text that only has 12 consonants and no vowels in the message yet is supposed to be a whole sentence.

I do apologize for the delay but my youngest had surgery and then I feel ill in the same week so that put me behind.

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, I am just making the characters say bad words and do things I find funny.

BPOV

I was so happy after our night, but there really is no place like home. I admit I gave Mack and quick kiss on her cheek since she was asleep and ran to the bathroom to shower while Rose paid the babysitter. I let myself do a little happy dance as part of my pre-shower routine since I needed to wash away the smell of the club even though I knew I would be washing a faint scent of Edward away as well. I was really glad we all went out tonight and I got to meet everyone, I could see Alice becoming a good friend and Emmett since like a good guy, but Edward oh my.

Edward was incredibly sweet and funny and willing to embarrass himself just to go out with me, which means he isn't too serious of a person.

Nothing is worse than a guy who is too serious all the time to relax. I have dated several of those guys since college but usually only once per guy.

As my dad tells me, I am a shit talker as he puts it. I will make jokes about everything and anything including evening making fun of myself just to be funny and make myself and other people laugh because life is too short not to be happy. I find my dad's description of me is pretty accurate honestly.

I flopped down on my bed after I had completed my shower and nightly rituals before putting on my comfortable pajamas and looking at my phone, I had two texts from Edward.

**When I was in middle school, I had a crush on my 6****th**** grade math teacher. It was a first year teaching and she was very young and beautiful compared to the middle aged women I typically had as teachers. She would write out problems on the board and randomly call on us to go up and solve the problems. She asked for a volunteer and I raised my hand. After I was called upon I went up and faced the board and solved the problem. I solved it because well I am a genius. She gave me a pat on the back and when I turned around to face the class I had a raging hard on. That embarrassing enough?**

**Now please tell me, are you home yet?**

I laughed so hard I admit I snorted a little and while I thought about not replying just to mess with him but his concerned seemed sweet as well as heartfelt and the story was very humorous, so I was flirty instead.

**Yes I am home, atleast I hope so since I am naked and just got out of the shower. I noticed you keep bringing your genitals into conversation tonight but that did make me laugh, so thank you.**

I went back to finish drying my hair and was startled by Rose when she appeared in the doorway when I looked up.

"So Edward…" was all she mentioned and I wasn't sure if it was a question or a statement.

"Yes there is a man named Edward, he was gorgeous and charming and smelled really good." I finished for her with a slight giggle.

"Well that answers what you think about him and judging by the fact you guys seemed to get into your own little bubble and ignored us for part of the night so I figure he feels the same about you." Rose replied.

"I like him Rose, I mean I am not picking out china patterns but have been naming our two unborn children, Alonis and Adraya but no name for the puppy yet I mean I do want to see where this goes with him first." I teased her.

I wasn't even sold on kids yet if I was honest with myself. I deal with other people's kids all day and I know I would care more for my own, but I had seen what Rose went through giving birth to Mack and honestly my vagina and I were not big fans of that shit honestly.

"So when are you two going out?" Rose asked being the nosy older sister I never had, never really wanted either but you make it work with what you are given.

"He asked me out and I agreed, but we haven't finalized anything yet." I explained.

"Well I think you should do that now. I mean no time like the present when the idea of the boobage you flashed him is still fresh in his mind." Rose suggested. I should have been embarrassed but I wasn't.

I grabbed my phone and shot him a quick text.

**Rose wants to know when you are taking me out since you spent the whole night undressing me with your eyes. So when is that happening this weekend?**

I giggled as I hit send. It was funny and light but still asking since he didn't confirm the arrangement. I wanted to let him know I was interested and not just tipsy when I agreed but not trying to trap him into something.

"You are texting him aren't you?" Rose asked.

"Of course, you wanted to know when we were going out so I asked him about our plans." I quipped.

"I could see you both having one of those annoying couples Facebook accounts under both your name." Rose said as she flopped down on my bed.

"Oh hell no, that shit is so lame and annoying." I said defiantly.

"So what did you think you Emmett?" Rose asked casually as a segue from the guy I liked to the guy she seemed to like.

"I think he was funny but you and by you I mean mainly me with some minimal input from our new group as well, need to torture him properly for making the guys feel bad for their show but he seemed cool about everything" I laid out to her. I mean Rose could be interesting, but her idea of revenge usually came off as cruel instead of humorous or embarrassing.

"Yeah, Emmett seems like a really nice guy. I wonder if he is seeing anyone?" Rose wondered aloud which I knew was a sign for me to check on that for her.

"Oh I am sure we could ask Alice and she would inform you. She is fun but seems like she would share everyone's business if you asked her." I said with a smile as I stifled a yawn, hoping Rose got the hint it was time for bed.

"I really like Alice too, she was so cool and fun. I didn't really talk to Jasper much as he was drinking or performing, but I wouldn't mind hanging out with Alice again." Rose explained.

My phone alerted me to a text and it surprised me.

**What type of food do you prefer, and do you have any food allergies?**

Edward was asking to find out where we would like to eat. I found that sweet, I mean nothing can sour a date faster than taking your date somewhere they can't eat anything. I had a guy one take me to a hipster niche restaurant where all the dishes were served with "natural mixed greens" also known as grass clipping from outside or couscous but it was something green and brown. Needless to say he did not get a second date after I tried my best to eat some chicken that while it said was free range organic, I could taste in every bite that its very soul had been tortured and I guessed that had happened during the cooking process.

Don't get me wrong, I am not a picky eater but I do have standards. I like to cook myself and while I am not a chef by any means, I don't like to go out to places and feel like I could have made it better at home myself.

**I am not picky, nor do I have any allergies so surprise me handsome.**

I typed a hasty reply while listening to Rose go on about something. I admit I was only half paying attention to her.

**Let me think about it, and I will text you back tomorrow. Sleep well.**

I stifled another yawn and realized I had been up for most of the day and I was exhausted. I chased Rose out of my room since she didn't get my subtle hints and she seemed all jacked up like a kid on Pixie Stix and would have kept talking to me until Mack woke up and joined us the next morning and I so wasn't ready for an all nighter.

**Sounds good, you sleep well too. I hope to hear from you tomorrow.**

I replied back hoping to nail home the point that he said he would text me tomorrow so he needed to. I didn't want to come off as clingy but I hate guys who said they would call or text but never did or waited some crazy amount of time until they did. Sometimes so much time had passed and I wasn't into them that much to begin with that I didn't recall what we had spoken about before.

I set my phone down on my bedside table and closed my eyes and started seeing green eyes peering into my soul and I was okay with that.

EPOV

"Jasper, doesn't your firm have an in at that upscale restaurant downtown?" I asked Jasper over coffee the next morning around our kitchen counter.

"Yeah we do, do you want me to have them hold a table for you under our name?" Jasper replied grabbing his cup and heading towards the dining room right off to the side.

"Edward, I am not sure that is such a good idea." Alice added looking a little ragged this morning.

She didn't seem to hold her liquor as well post Van as she did when we were in college, but I don't think anyone really does.

"What are you talking about Al?" I asked.

"Well Bella seems extremely laid back and casual type of person, I am not sure how comfortable she would be at a ritzy upscale restaurant. I know I don't like to get really fancy dressed up often, especially on a first date since she would probably be nervous even though she has already meet you and such." Alice explained and rambled.

I thought about it. I mean did I really want to be in some stuffy pretentious fancy bistro with small portions and high prices on a first date with snotty waiters. No, I had to agree with Al I think something more laid back but with exceptional food would be better. I admitted just wanted to keep talking to her because as she opened up and shared more about herself I liked her more and more.

"So maybe just simply dinner at a low key but delicious place would work better." I said more as a statement than a question since it was more to hear my own thoughts instead of asking my friends a question.

"I love barbeque, but I know it is too messy and sloppy for a first date." Jasper added as he was removing folders from his briefcase.

"And no chain places, you don't want to take her to the same place her dad took her after she was dumped by her first boyfriend or when she got her first period." Alice quipped.

So no chains, nothing pretentious, also nothing too messy. Bella hadn't given me very much at all to work with so I was trying to pick a place but still make it fun and unique.

"I am thinking Lotus Blossom. We can get sushi to start if she wants because I love it and have a choice of a table or we can sit and watch them cook the food at the grill." I guessed since I knew I liked it but I wasn't sure about her.

"Sounds good," Alice added.

"Can you bring me back a Smoked Salmon Roll?" Jasper asked as he dug into his work. I hated that he always brought work home, it seems to take time away from his family.

"Sure." I replied.

I called Lotus Blossom and checked, they took my name and had reserved space for a table or at a grill for me so that worked.

I had to text Bella, because well I now had an excuse without seeming too eager to just keep texting her.

**I got us space at Lotus Blossom on Saturday, we can do sushi and drinks and either get a table or sit at the grill, whichever you want.**

BPOV

"Oh my god Rose he wants to take me to Lotus Blossom." I said with a bit more squeal than a woman over the age of fourteen should have done, but I was okay with that.

"Does he realize you can eat your weight in sushi and that when you do that is your place of choice right?" Rose teased.

"Shut up bitch. I can limit myself to only half my body weight in sushi, but no I didn't tell him anything really and he just picked it." I explained.

**Sounds good. Are we meeting there or…?**

I shot back to Edward wanting to confirm our plans. I had no qualms about meeting him there, it made it easier for awkward first dates, but I thought our little group get together was more like a first date, I mean I even saw his ball and flashed him in return.

**I would like to pick you up like a proper date. You can text me your address if that is okay.**

I read Edward's response and it made me feel all girly inside. I think he felt the same way I did and that was cool.

**Oh I do declare, it has been sometime since I have had a gentleman caller come over to court me. I am not sure my lady manners are up to par.**

I replied back, but honestly it had been awhile since I dated. Not that I was horribly scarred by a trauma in my past, I just had been working on getting my career on track and hadn't really thought about it. I mean I went out with Rose and Jake and we had fun and that was enough for me.

**I guess I should have my father contact your father in regards to possibly paying your dowry.**

I laughed, yes he joked about an ancient form of proposal and it didn't really freak me out. It was a joke and pretty funny.

I figured I would mess with him in return instead of freaking out.

**With my father being a lowly law enforcement officer, I am sure it would be simple and less costly than others. I fear more for your delicate heart when you have to explain your intentions to my father and his firearms.**

Yes dad was the chief of police and he seemed to always need to clean one of his many firearms when a boy was scheduled to come over or even stop by to pick me up. It should have bothered me, but honestly even when it scared a guy off I figured if he couldn't take that in stride there was no way he could put up with me and my mouth anyways.

**I will have to rely on my charm and wit to convince him of my honorable intentions with his precious daughter during our courting process. If not I am totally using you as a human shield, he wouldn't shot his own daughter right?**

I snorted as I read his reply.

EPOV

"Come on Eddie, stop texting your girlfriend and let's go get some lunch." Emmett exclaimed from the couch.

"No one said you should just come over and invite me to lunch without asking if I had plans. Now keep your ass sit on the couch and I will go get ready, but you are buying" I said.

"Fine, just hurry up." Emmett said.

I went to my room and grabbed some clothes and headed to the bathroom, but was stopped by Van.

"So you are going on a date with Miss Swan?" Van asked as he caught me in the hall right outside the bathroom and I sensed trouble, my Edward sense was tingling.

"Yes, we are going out to dinner this weekend, is that cool with you bubby?" I replied wanting him to be comfortable with the situation.

"I guess, but we need to have a guy day this weekend to okay?" Van bartered with me.

"Sure man, what would you like to do?"

"Yeah we can go to Super Duper Funland." Van replied and left.

So the kid wanted me to take him to Super Duper Funland, where we would play games and eat junk food all day, I could live with that. I mean it would give Al and Jas a break and honestly I really liked hanging out with the little guy so it wasn't a burden or anything.

I showered quickly, admittedly I debated jerking off to the image of Bella's boobs that was burned into my brain but then Emmett would be a pissy bastard so I would just save that for later. I dressed and headed back to the living room.

"Guess what, Emmett is going to join us this weekend at Super Duper Funland and he said laser tag is on him." Van explained.

I looked at Emmett wondering what he was planning. Last time he wanted to do anything with Van he was using him to troll for single moms at the mall. It was Christmas and he did take him to see Santa but he kept making Van talk about how much he missed his mom. I think Emmett said he did get laid off one of the numbers he got but of course Al punched him in the balls when she found out later.

"So why are you coming with Van and I?" I asked Emmett on our way out of the apartment.

"What I want to spend time with the little guy, he is basically almost kind of my nephew." Emmett explained as we walked toward the deli down the street.

"Sure, so what is your nephew's middle name?" I challenged.

"Listen Edward, this is bigger than a middle name. The kid only has Al as a male role model and I want to help shape him into the man he will become." Emmett said.

"What the hell are you talking about?" I said more as a statement then a question.

"Van, he only has Alice as a role model. You well you are basically a chick and Jasper he even kind of looks like a girl so Alice has more balls then either of you." Emmett continued.

"If you keep going with this I will ask Alice to punch you in your balls again." I said as I grabbed the door and went inside the deli. I love the smell of a good deli. Yes it smells like meat and bread but something about the hunter instinct ingrained in my DNA loved it, it was exciting. Not sexually excited because getting a hardon over some good pastrami would be totally fucking weird.

"Come on Edward, we will go out and have fun with the kid and I can show him how to play laser tag and hit a ball. Oh does he know how to ride a bike, I can teach him that as well." Emmett rambled as we went up to the counter to place our order.

"Emmett, cut the shit, what are you getting out of this?" I asked.

"Bella's friend Rosalie, she has a little girl and I wanted to show I can get along with kids, so if I wedge myself into your boys day it will be awesome and Van will tell Bella. Bella will tell Rose and Rosalie will see me I am as awesome with kids as I will be her pussy and will jump all over my dick." Emmett explained and the old lady in front of us whipped around and glared at him for his foul language.

"Em dude just be yourself don't try to do that. If you want to ask her out just man up and do it." I said and placed my order for a pastrami on sourdough with extra pickles.

Emmett ordered some soup and paid. We found a table and waited for our order to be called so we could get our food.

"So you won't let me go with you and Van?" Emmett asked and seemed a little hurt which is odd since usually he doesn't seem like he feels anything really.

"No, but if you want to go with us than do it, but don't go with us to possibly maybe impress a girl." I said and went to go get our order since he was now ready.

We dug into our food once I returned and ate and comfortable silence, but Emmett looked up from his soup.

"Can you ask Bella what Rose thinks about me please?" Emmett asked meekly. Emmett never did anything meekly so while I wanted to bust his balls, I didn't for now.

"Sure." I replied and shot Bella a quick text.

**Emmett wants to know what Rose thinks about him, could you ask her and let me know please?**

"Emmett, do you like Rose?" I asked to break the silence that had once again befallen our lunch.

"I like Rose as much as I like the next girl." Emmett said into his bowl of soup.

What the hell does that even mean? I mean Emmett wasn't shy about hooking up with girls, but he was asking about Rose and trying to impress her by using Van which is something, but when I ask him about it and he gets all creepy.

"Okay that doesn't make sense. So laser tag with Van at Super Duper Funland, you know you have to let him win right?" I challenged.

"What, no he has to earn a win against me, I don't give out freebies." Emmett explained.

"I think there are a fair number of girls who said you gave them quite a few freebies." I replied and Emmett chuckled.

*A/N: Okay so I have posted Chapter 26 to Newport since my last chapter. Dani and I are working on starting on chapter 27 as well.

I honestly couldn't find a good end point for this chapter. It wanted to keep going but it was getting long. I apologize for that as I do have a tendency to ramble. Should be the date in the next chapter and Super Duper Funland too probably if I can make that work.


	6. Chapter 6 Almost date night

*A/N: I apologize for the delay with this chapter, I honestly started this one minutes after the previous one was posted, but this is a brainstorm story and when I was done I didn't like it so I changed it and it took awhile before it worked to my liking. Nothing is really mapped out and I just write as it comes to me so since nothing was working out, nothing got written for weeks. Dani and I have been working on Newport and how to get to the ending we planned since we are so far off from it and even planning another story together which is mostly outlined right now.

This story is an outlet for me. It is where I put ideas that don't fit into other stories so it might be updated often or slowly I am not sure and I understand if that isn't your thing but this is how I am doing it.

Some people PM'd me asking about the kids, I think of this story like a sitcom and if I want or need the kids to be funny and/or cute or even part of the plot they will be in the scene and if not, you won't really see them. That was the joy of not having the kids be the progeny of the main characters.

BPOV

Edward texted me regarding Rose and if she liked Emmett, while I felt kind of middle school about the whole thing and was tempted to pass her a note at the dinner table asking if she liked him and to circle yes or no, but I decided against that.

"Rose, I got a text asking how you felt about Emmett. How should I reply?" I asked just going straight at it with my question.

"Oh did Alice text you about that? I had meant to get her number and maybe ask her over lunch or coffee." Rose explained clearly avoiding my question.

"No Edward did, not Alice." I replied.

"Hmm, I wonder why Edward is asking." Rose mused and turned back to working on Mack's lunch.

"So what should I tell him?" I asked again.

"Well he seems sexy and kind of funny, but also like he could be the world's biggest douche at times." Rose explained as she set the macaroni and hotdogs in front of Mack at the living room table.

Yes we were horrible parents who would let the kid eat in front of her cartoons, but it was easiest. We would put her in the seat at the dinner table and end up fighting with her to get her to eat and make her wait until she is hungry and it was exhausting. Now we set it on the living room table and she would eat between cartoons and it was easier and less tears shed for all us ladies involved.

I decided to reply to Edwards's text and do a bit of fishing.

**She thinks he seems pretty cool, but he could also be kind of a douche. I have to ask on her behalf is he is a good guy or what?**

"What did you say?" Rose asked.

I showed her my text to Edward, after I was sure she couldn't see any of the previous ones. I mean we weren't sexting or anything just kind of flirting but it was still habit. Rose had once showed me a funny text from a guy and I caught a glimpse of a dick pic he had sent her previously and it made was awkward.

I wonder what Edward's dick looks like. I mean I imagine it to be impressively but not overly veiny but I was snapped out of my daydream when my phone notified me of a reply from Edward.

**Emmett could go either way honestly. Sometimes he is an amazing friend and awesome to hang out with. The guy would give you the shirt off his back and do anything for you. Other times he will be such a bastard that you hate him and you find out it was to impress a girl and get laid.**

I read and re-read that. Atleast Edward was honest with me and he started out with a compliment regarding Emmett but the end kind of worried me.

I mean clearly Rose was no virgin or anything, and yes she did need to get laid but didn't we all really. I was just worried about him being awesome and amazing and making Rose fall for him and then turn into a complete asshat and breaking her heart.

Rose was a big girl and she could deal with the heart break, given she would likely beat the shit out of Emmett if that happened but that was her way of dealing. I was more worried about Mack. If Rose fell for him she would introduce him to Mack and if he was great with her then suddenly vanished, it would break her heart and neither of us would put up with that.

I turned and showed Rose the reply from Edward on my phone and saw her face fall slightly, probably processing the same thoughts I just had.

I got lost in my own thoughts about Edward. I knew we had heavily flirted when out the other night and more so via text message even if it was kind of nerdy but that just seemed to fit who we were. I don't really ever being this enamored with a man before we had really went out on a real date, yet I felt we were in our own little bubble while with our mutual friends the other night and that was the closest I had felt to a guy in sometime and even more than I felt for a few days before we had stopped dating for some reason or another.

"You really like him don't you?" Rose asked snapping me out of my thoughts.

"Oh god Rose, I feel like I could REALLY like him you know? I mean I don't want to put the cart before the horse here"

"Or the love before the sex" Rose interjected. Rose was a firm believer in trying out the goods way before you made any proclamations of devotion to one another.

"Yeah that too, but I feel like everything has been effortless with him. I had a crush on him when I thought he was married and a parent to one of my students and then I praised every deity I knew when I found out he wasn't and was single from Alice. Now having spent time with him I feel like we really click and while we aren't to the love or sex stage yet" I gave her a pointed look to drive home my point "I feel like it would be, erm will be amazing when we are."

"I am glad for you Bella." Rose said and reached over to give my shoulder a squeeze.

"Me too Momma B." Mack added with a mouth full of food.

"I am glad both my girls are happy for me, because I am too." I said with a smile.

"Did you want to go shopping for something to wear?" Rose asked.

Typically before a first date I was all nerves and butterflies and shopping usually helped plus it was bonding, but I didn't feel the need to. I mean Edward seemed to accept me for me and while I would present the best version of myself I would still be me.

"No thanks, I have some dresses in my closest I have barely worn or not at all, but maybe some help with makeup the night of?" I replied giving her a peace offering to help.

"Sure." Rose responded and went to pick up Mack and tickle her.

-=[s_d=-

Like most people I was ready for the weekend by the time Friday morning rolled around, but with my date with Edward setup for tomorrow it was especially so this week.

We had kept up our playful and flirty banter via text and had even called and talked to each other about well anything and everything at different times. He was telling me about ideas for his next book and I was telling him about how our classroom craft projects were coming along. It was amusing and enlightening to learn more about him and share part of myself with him.

I missed him, while yes we have been in contact and kept in touch but I missed seeing him and kissing him and maybe even smelling him a little bit so I was ready for this week to be over and our date to begin tomorrow just so I could have some time actually in his presence again.

I admit I might have been paying a little more attention to Van than I normally did this week, but I was trying not to show favoritism but he was so cute and really I liked his parents and uncle so it was hard to be impartial.

The day was a blur of desk work before lunch and I went to the cafeteria with my class and got a simple chicken salad sandwich and a carton of skim milk. I enjoyed taking my tray back to my classroom and letting the lunch attendants watch my class for a little afternoon break while I would eat my lunch at my desk in my quiet room. It was a small window of decompression time during the middle of the day that helped me re-focus for the remainder of the day.

As I was finishing up my cell phone rang, it was my mother.

"Hello mom." I greeted her as I answered.

"Hello Isabella, how are you doing dear?" Renee asked.

"I am well Mom, how are you?" I replied.

"I am doing well and I just wanted to call you and let you know that Phil and I are in town this weekend. His team has a night game tonight and I wanted to know if you would join us for dinner on Saturday before we left?" My mother asked.

Shit, I wanted to see my mom because while she was a little different I did love her and my step dad Phil, but I didn't want to cancel on Edward and there was no way in fucking hell this date would be to meet my mother. I feel like we already had chaperones last time and while I didn't really mind since we had fun I did want him all to myself.

"I kind of had plans mom, could we maybe do dinner tonight or maybe brunch on Sunday instead?" I offered trying to reschedule.

"Oh sweetie he has a doubleheader today so he will be busy from this morning until late at night and then completely wiped out and we are leaving late Saturday night since they have a night game on Sunday as well." Mom explained.

Why does God hate me? I mean I figure I am mostly a good person and while I don't go to church often, I do donate to charities to help those less fortunate and have volunteered time at the local soup kitchen during holidays, so why does stuff like this always seem to happen? Ugh.

"Sure mom that sounds nice, did you want me to invite Rose and Mack as well?" I tried to sound as happy as I could even though I admit I was a little sad to cancel plans with Edward I was looking forward to so much.

"Oh that would be great dear, we would love to have dinner with all the girls. I will call you after school is out with a better idea of what time but you ladies pick a good place to eat since you know the area better." Mom suggested.

"Sure mom, my class will be back soon so I love you and will see you soon." I replied looking at the clock.

"Love you too Isabella bye." Mom said and ended the call.

I had just enough time to text Edward and try and break the news and hopefully he would want to re-schedule. I knew we liked each other, but still me having to cancel the day before our date could make some guys think I wasn't really that interested and that was so not the case with us.

**Please don't hate me but my mom and step dad are in town and want to take us girls out to dinner tomorrow, so would you mind re-scheduling? I am so sorry she just called me right now and let me know she was in town for the night. I will make it up to you I swear.**

I sent the text and didn't see a response before my class returned and I had to put up my phone, and that made me a little nervous. I understood he might not be able to text back right away since I didn't know what he had planned but still it caused different kinds of butterflies to start fluttering in my stomach.

**EPOV**

I admit I was sad when I received Bella's text about needing to re-schedule, and while I was disappointed I understood. It sounded like something had just came up and we all know life happens. I was in the middle of a meeting with Emmett and while I did see the message on my phone I didn't want to be rude and respond right away since he was talking about a small book tour coming soon for my newest novel.

"So you have roughly a month until the tour starts, and while they aren't going to rush you I do know you have usually wanted them over as soon as possible so I talked them into 12 cities in the major markets in just over 3 weeks, so while you won't have any real time to sight see or anything, it gets you back home with traveling time as soon as possible." Emmett explained and handed the information on the cities, appearances, and hotels over to me.

"It looks good to me." I replied after reviewing it briefly.

I admit I liked meeting and interacting with fans but sometimes it seems like I sat and signed the same things over and over and replied to the same kind words with a nearly identical responses since I didn't know what else to say besides to thank them for reading and their support of my work and wish them well in their own lives. It was conundrum. I didn't have time to spend hours or even very many minutes talking to each fan or else these would last for days so I really didn't know them as people so I didn't know how else to respond except with the same almost form letter replies I had always used.

"Okay now that all is the business is mostly handled, let's go to lunch and you can tell me about your exciting date tomorrow with the lovely Bella" Emmett said as he came around his desk and lead me out of his office.

"Well if the text I got is correct it looks like we won't be going out. I guess her mom and step dad are in town and want to take her out so she wants to reschedule." I replied and tried to keep the disappointment out of my voice.

"Well, yeah that sucks but you dodged a bullet if you ask me." Emmett said as he hit the button to summon the elevator.

"What do you mean? Don't give me your, don't date women just fuck them speech again please. I can't do that. I need to have more than just feelings in my dick to have sex." I shot back as we entered the elevator.

"Yeah I stand by that for me, I know it doesn't work for you and that's cool, but what I meant is atleast she told you ahead of time about it so you can make other plans. Plus she didn't try to make your first real date to be with her mom and step dad as that would be awkward as hell." Emmett said as we exited the elevator and the building.

"That makes sense, I mean it would be awkward getting you know her while she is trying to have time with her mother so I guess she saved me from that." I replied as I thought about it.

I typed a quick reply to Bella as we were in the cab on the way to wherever Emmett was taking me for lunch.

**No worries, we can re-schedule for whenever works, how about brunch on Sunday instead or maybe an early dinner? I can always go for some waffles.**

Emmett had picked Dino's Steakhouse, which seemed fitting since either he was going to get me to pay for lunch or to count it as a working lunch and expense it to his company.

"So now that your Saturday has opened up why don't we go bowling instead?" Emmett said as we were lead to our table.

"Sounds like a plan, we can go in the afternoon, should I ask Al about her boys joining us or is this male bonding time?" I questioned.

"Yeah invite them all, we can go bowling and grab dinner afterwards." Emmett said looking at the menu.

"I can see about maybe just changing the reservation I already made if you want sushi or hibachi? I know Al loves it and Van is amazed watching them cook." I asked Emmett.

"Hi my name is Carla, what can I get you guys today?" Our waitress Carla asked as she came up to the table.

"I want an order for cheese fires to start, the porterhouse, cooked medium, with the grilled asparagus for lunch and a Pepsi to drink please." Emmett replied and handed her the menu.

"And you sir?" She asked me.

"Chicken fingers and fries for lunch and a water with lemon to drink please." I answered.

"I will put that in and will be back with your drinks shortly. Lunch rush is calming down so it should be just a few minutes on your cheese fries." Carla respond as she took our menus and heading off to put in our order.

"Yeah we can do that for dinner tomorrow man, text the gang and get it setup" Emmett replied.

**Hey Al, Bella had to cancel so Em and I were thinking bowling and dinner tomorrow night. You guys want to go instead and I can just change the reservation?**

I texted Alice and while I was still a little disappointed my plans had changed I was still going to have fun out with my friends.


End file.
